⚠️ Content Note: This post discusses burnout, medical emergency (heart attack), chronic illness, and existential stress.
Core Message: Burnout is not a personal failure. It’s the body’s revolt against a toxic system that values productivity over people.
My story is one of systemic failure, not personal weakness.
How It Started#
For years, my professional life, spanning critical roles from Linux/Ansible specialist and internal CISO to area product owner across various high-stakes public sector agencies and corporations, was a relentless, high-stakes sprint.
I was the troubleshooter, the passionate tech expert who handled crisis. The reality behind that façade was a toxic, repetitive pattern that defined nearly every role:
- Chronic Overtime and Extreme Pressure: The baseline was always unsustainable.
- Ignored Warnings: Reports on process, workflow, and security risks were systematically dismissed.
- Broken Promises: Agreed actions and support were consistently abandoned.
The cycle after every burnout was brutal: I was told to “take it easy,” quickly cleared by the occupational health service, and immediately thrown back into the deep end. There was never space for sustainable recovery — the structure itself made health impossible.
I didn’t become ‘cynical’. I was hollowed out by the structural conflict between my inability to say ’no’ and the inhumane expectations placed upon me, especially during crucial, high-pressure IT projects (including projects related to CISO governance and the national QR verification system).
The Breaking Point#
The first symptoms weren’t just memory loss or poor concentration. They were the body’s desperate warning signals. The mind may be resilient, but the body keeps a merciless score.
In September 2024, the inevitable happened: a heart attack that required stents.
It was the undeniable proof that years of unaddressed stress and relentless pressure had physically broken me. This wasn’t a mental health issue anymore; it was a medical emergency, the direct result of an unforgiving work environment compounded by chronic conditions like obesity and Type 2 diabetes.
The Cost of the Relentless Cycle#
No Reintegration: After the heart attack, I was quickly pushed back to work without a proper reintegration plan, just a return to the fire.
Cognitive Collapse: I desperately wanted to work, but my brain refused. I jumped relentlessly from task to task, desperate to make progress, yet even the simplest duty was impossible to complete. This inability to concentrate is a constant, grinding failure.
Constant Pain and Exhaustion: Sleep, even with a CPAP machine for sleep apnea, offered no relief. I woke up exhausted every morning, with chronic chest pain (Tietze/Costochondritis) that made every movement heavy.
Home as a Zero-Sum Game: As the sole breadwinner, recovery was not an option. My partner has Multiple Sclerosis (MS) and cannot work or drive, and we have an autistic son. Every doctor’s appointment now requires a 30+ km drive to Almere or Harderwijk — public transport or taxis are technically possible, but financially untenable. Recovery is impossible when you are the only one who can drive.
The result of this constant attrition? Irritation, guilt, and a deep, existential fear: How long can my heart hold out? What if I’m not here for my family?
The Final Verdict#
My body now carries the evidence of multiple burnouts over ten years, a heart attack, and chronic pain. It speaks a language of absolute necessity. This is not about ‘overthinking’ or being ’lazy.’ This is about a system that failed to protect an employee who was giving too much.
This is where my story stands now. An open ending, because the journey isn’t over. There will be days of silence, but also moments of clarity. On such a day, when I find the peace to reflect on health and systems, I will continue this log with a new post. For now, it’s about survival, one day at a time.
If you feel that nagging anxiety or overwhelming exhaustion, listen to it. Don’t wait for the ultimate breaking point. Your life is not a fair price for quarterly profits or project deadlines. Waiting is self-inflicted torture, and in my case, it was nearly fatal. Seek specialised help immediately.
If you’re experiencing signs of burnout or are in severe distress:
- Immediate medical emergency (chest pain, fainting, difficulty breathing or loss of consciousness): call emergency services now — in the Netherlands dial 112.
- Mental-health crisis or risk of self-harm: in the Netherlands call 113 (0800‑0113) or visit https://113.nl. If you are outside the Netherlands, contact your local suicide-prevention or crisis line or your emergency services.
- For non-urgent support: contact your GP (huisarts) or your occupational health service (bedrijfsarts). They can advise on next steps, referrals, and workplace reintegration plans.
- Unsure where to start? Your GP is a good first contact; occupational health can also liaise with your employer.